Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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