you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
