Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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