I just cut my nipple shaving
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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