I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
