Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
