I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize