A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
