maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
