I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
