So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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