After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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