Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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