you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
