were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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