Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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