At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids