She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
