i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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