arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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