I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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