Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
