Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
