I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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