Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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