I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
