remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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