Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
