Sry I called you an 8
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
