I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just tell him i said nine months
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
