oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
