I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
