her vagine was all disorganized.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
