The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
