I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
