Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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