he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
