I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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