I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
