I hate your face
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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