Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's blow job season.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
