YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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