it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
