You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
