i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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