Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
