if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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