I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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