I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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