fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
