This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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