he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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