My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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