i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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