Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
